So what do you prefer? To spend more time alone or more time with other people? And I don’t mean on any particular day, or any particular hour where you say, “Oh, I wish I was alone or with other people.”
I’m talking, more generally. Think about your life and ask yourself whether, in general, you would be better off spending more time alone or more time with other people. I want to propose three mechanisms at work that would help us think about this question.
First, there are individual differences. Some of us are more of the kind of people who enjoy time to ourselves, some of us enjoy more time with other people. There’s just a variety of original types and we should just follow our type.
But there’s another thing which is our habit. Well, not exactly a habit but a thing that we have become used to. The reality is that we used to be more social and then Covid came along and we became less social. The thing about these kinds of habits, or ways of being, is that they self-reinforce. So, if we are, let’s say, the kind of people who like being with other people, who thrive on the social interaction.
We had a long period that we had to be by ourselves, we managed that. And deviating from that is tough for us in the moment. Long term it might be good for us. But in the short term we were comfortable with that.
Maybe somebody became used to waking up in the morning, leisurely having their coffee, and reading their paper They have lots of things that make it easy for them to keep on doing that. Now, is it best for them? No. But will the first few days with other people going to disrupt their routines? Yes, absolutely.
So, there are individual differences but if we get into a particular pattern of living, either more social or less social, that pattern becomes comfortable for us. And deviating from that becomes uncomfortable in the short term. Maybe in the long term it will be good. But in the short term it’s comfortable to keep on with what we’re doing. Now, it might not maximize our long-term well-being, but in the short term it’s good.
The first two questions to ask yourself is: What type are you, naturally? And what are your habits—what have you become used to in recent times, are the things that you’ve become used to been forced on you or is this really what’s good for you?
Then there’s the third element. And the third element is that often our intuition misleads us. There’s a beautiful study by Nick Epley where he asked people, “What would be better for you? If you sat on the train and nobody talked to you and you were just by yourself. Or would it be better if you talked to a stranger??
In general, people said, “Oh, I don’t want anybody to talk to me. I prefer to just be alone.”
Then he asked people to participate in the experiment, and they were assigned to a condition where they had to talk to somebody. And guess what?
They were happier.
So, we have individual differences. We have things that we get used to. But then we also have a bias. And that bias is something that we should think about. We think we like our privacy and being alone more than we actually do.
Now, when we talk to people, sometimes it’s not that great. But on average, we’re better off for it. So, think about it. Think about what is your recipe for your life right now between being alone and being with other people? And is this recipe serving you? Is it serving your personality? Is it something that you got used to? Is it a pattern that maybe is comfortable for you but not good for you?
And finally, think about your own bias. Are you biased to thinking that you’ll enjoy more time alone when, in fact, you might enjoy more time with other people? Not all the time! Sometimes it might backfire—but on average.
To all of us, to better decisions about how we allocate our time between spending time just with ourselves or with others.
All the best.
