Today, we’re diving into the topic of romantic love and examining how happy we are versus how happy we think we are in romantic relationships. Recently, I had an interesting conversation with a friend over dinner and a couple of glasses of wine. He expressed some dissatisfaction with his own relationship and mentioned that many of his friends seemed unhappy in theirs as well. He had various theories about why this might be, and I shared some of my thoughts too.
I told him about Eli Finkel's book, “The All-or-Nothing Marriage.” In it, Eli outlines three main periods in the evolution of marriage. The first period was when people got together mainly for economic reasons—working together, raising kids, and keeping each other warm at night. The second period introduced romantic love into the equation; it wasn’t just about practicality anymore. Nowadays, Eli argues, we also expect our partners to help us achieve self-fulfillment. When this trifecta works—economic partnership, romantic love, and self-actualization—it’s amazing. But often, it's too much to ask from one person, leading to disappointment.
Our discussion then shifted to comparing our relationships with those of our parents and grandparents. Objectively speaking, my friend agreed that we have better relationships now than people did thirty or sixty years ago. There’s more communication and sexual freedom today. However, he also felt that despite these improvements, we are less happy than previous generations.
This contradiction might go back to Finkel’s point about our expectations being out of whack. It's not that we're not happy; it's that our expectations are so high that we see ourselves as unhappy. This constant quest for improvement is beneficial in many areas of life—like startups and work—but it might be a mixed blessing in romantic relationships.
In romantic relationships, this restless approach can lead us to continually look for things to fix or improve, focusing on the negative aspects rather than appreciating what we have. This mindset can make us feel less satisfied overall.
So, are we objectively happier? Likely yes. Do we have unrealistic expectations? Definitely yes. Does our constant focus on improvement make us less happy? Unfortunately, yes again.
The big question is: Can we lower our expectations just a little bit? Can we stop focusing on the negative aspects all the time? If we can manage that, I believe we'll find ourselves much happier in our relationships.
